I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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