happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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