well you can't waste a boner
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
