you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
