Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
