you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
