hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
