Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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