apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
