Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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