You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just found puke in my bra..
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
