Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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