How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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