I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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