Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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