Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
