kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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