maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
