look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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