So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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