apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
someone owes me an orgasm
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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