Pants 0. Shit 1.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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