She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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