I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
