i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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