Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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