I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
