She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
