I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I made him laugh his dick is mine
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
