Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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