can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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