i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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