I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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