Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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