i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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