The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
