I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
