Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
