I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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