mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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