My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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