i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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