I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
