I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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