I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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