i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
