I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
