God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
