Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
