rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
