i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
