oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
