Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
