New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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