Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
