Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
