you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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