I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My vagina just recognized that song.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
