People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
