I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
